Your writing voice stands out a LOT. Very well done and I think the critique of this piece sounded out what you needed. Your descriptions are some of my favorite I’ve read on here, grimy with a bit of prose that spits at you. Awesome shit
The pacing on the closing paragraph of this was great. Loved the line, "orbitals orbited." Your layering of violent imagery alongside terms you'd likely see in a physics classroom gave that end sequence a cycle-of-the-universe type of weight.
This is nightlife as spiritual warfare, Renaissance painting meets trap-house mythos...the rhythm of your prose—staccato, breathless, breathy—is as important as the narrative itself. It feels like something that wants to be read aloud, gasped rather than spoken.
Pablo, I respect that approach. Giving each character room to breathe without playing favorites creates a balanced, lived-in world. It shows in the work. The narrative feels like it belongs to all of them, not just one voice dominating the rest.
Now, for the first time trying new techniques—that’s seriously impressive. I definitely enjoyed it, and I’m looking forward to seeing how you tighten it further. You’re on a strong path; keep going.
pablo!!! this is my fav piece of urs ever. this flooded all my senses. like genuinely. i appreciate the soundtrack it totally changed the piece. ur writing became literal motion. a little disorienting and hazy i LOVED it. like i was inside the club.
also i’m obsessed with ur mosaic of perspectives. the way you move between them is insane!! the story feels woven and larger than life and intimate it makes no sense but like i’m There?!
everything is sweaty n exposed n dripping and i love how u find poetry in the vulgarity.
every interaction in this is transactional and i think that says soo much in itself. sex power danger love. all currency in the club / cathedral. it’s hot it’s human. kind of really sad actually at the end too.
anyways u built something that overwhelms and seduces and horrifies. i love love love this piece !! done rambling!! thank u for coming to my ted talk on Your writing btw!! going to next ! need more !!
k (now the bawling roles have reversed), love it!!!
i went as hard as i could into making the club feel alive. one of my biggest issues with club scenes or even just mentions, in literary form, is that they feel too clinical, or read off as if the writer had never been to one, or if so maybe they did just a handful of times.
even tho' it's been easily more than a decade since i've hit one, it spent my fair share in 'em (at least since the age of 14), so i wanted to channel all the sticky drippy excesses that have and will always be present in that type of shithole.
your transactional observation is sharp, i'll admit it wasn't conscious initially, but i noticed around the bathroom scene (it's the only part i 'reworked' as i was writing).
i'm glad you were horrified yet seduced by the Covadonga's atmosphere, it's pretty much the 'vibe' of every night in any club in any big city (probably small towns too? idk).
Awesome!
Hey, Taylor!
Thanks for reading, it means a lot. ❤️
Your writing voice stands out a LOT. Very well done and I think the critique of this piece sounded out what you needed. Your descriptions are some of my favorite I’ve read on here, grimy with a bit of prose that spits at you. Awesome shit
Thanks, man! Appreciate you giving it a read!
I like the way your style is developing. I’m down for a collab if you want.
Always down to collaborate with others! Not sure what you had in mind but I’m open to it all. Your writing is dope, just let me know!
This is sick, dude. I felt like I was eating the words, not reading them.
The pacing on the closing paragraph of this was great. Loved the line, "orbitals orbited." Your layering of violent imagery alongside terms you'd likely see in a physics classroom gave that end sequence a cycle-of-the-universe type of weight.
Thank you, Hamish!
I have other pieces here where characters from this story make an appearance. I encourage you to check:
Raindrops and Flowers for the Dead, Bullets for the Living.
Thanks for giving it a read!
This is nightlife as spiritual warfare, Renaissance painting meets trap-house mythos...the rhythm of your prose—staccato, breathless, breathy—is as important as the narrative itself. It feels like something that wants to be read aloud, gasped rather than spoken.
Thanks you, Stefan
Makes me happy to read your comment, I do think the narrative and its delivery has to be on par with any character part of it.
I feel this way I don’t play favorites with any character, they have space to breathe and be themselves. Nobody is above anyone.
When I first wrote this, it was my first time trying ‘things’ (techniques) out.
I hope you enjoyed it, I plan to tighten it even more.
Pablo, I respect that approach. Giving each character room to breathe without playing favorites creates a balanced, lived-in world. It shows in the work. The narrative feels like it belongs to all of them, not just one voice dominating the rest.
Now, for the first time trying new techniques—that’s seriously impressive. I definitely enjoyed it, and I’m looking forward to seeing how you tighten it further. You’re on a strong path; keep going.
pablo!!! this is my fav piece of urs ever. this flooded all my senses. like genuinely. i appreciate the soundtrack it totally changed the piece. ur writing became literal motion. a little disorienting and hazy i LOVED it. like i was inside the club.
also i’m obsessed with ur mosaic of perspectives. the way you move between them is insane!! the story feels woven and larger than life and intimate it makes no sense but like i’m There?!
everything is sweaty n exposed n dripping and i love how u find poetry in the vulgarity.
every interaction in this is transactional and i think that says soo much in itself. sex power danger love. all currency in the club / cathedral. it’s hot it’s human. kind of really sad actually at the end too.
anyways u built something that overwhelms and seduces and horrifies. i love love love this piece !! done rambling!! thank u for coming to my ted talk on Your writing btw!! going to next ! need more !!
dude yes!!
k (now the bawling roles have reversed), love it!!!
i went as hard as i could into making the club feel alive. one of my biggest issues with club scenes or even just mentions, in literary form, is that they feel too clinical, or read off as if the writer had never been to one, or if so maybe they did just a handful of times.
even tho' it's been easily more than a decade since i've hit one, it spent my fair share in 'em (at least since the age of 14), so i wanted to channel all the sticky drippy excesses that have and will always be present in that type of shithole.
your transactional observation is sharp, i'll admit it wasn't conscious initially, but i noticed around the bathroom scene (it's the only part i 'reworked' as i was writing).
i'm glad you were horrified yet seduced by the Covadonga's atmosphere, it's pretty much the 'vibe' of every night in any club in any big city (probably small towns too? idk).
thanks for lookin' out, love havin' you around!