Her voice softened pink. The spiders. The way you describe emotion and experience is so fresh, understated, accurate. Makes us pay attention, feel and see.
No. Those are strictly part of the narration, outside from the fractured POV that oscillates from close third to “camera” to second to first and back to “camera” again and then omniscient.
First of all, wow. I haven’t read all of your stories but I think this has to be the darkest, by far. It’s not overly explicit but unless I misunderstood, your touching themes of pedophilia, sex trafficking, SA, incest, etc.
This feels like a Cohen brothers and Tarantino love child. Very fresh as someone already commented.
I will say… that r*pe scene is devastating and then the ending is more despair. I guess not every story can get a happy ending.
The ending helps put everything before it in question, imo. But yes, it’s quite bleak, just real life is at times or all the time. Even happy endings are tragic in nature, their finitude felt from the start of the first sentence.
The thing it’s inspired in isnt contained to the US. Matter of fact a lot of the talent comes from Canada. And just so you dont start panicking, you can relax, the government was involved. Thats how they were able to continue.
As an example of FCWT [that's First Class White Trash, to the uninitiated] made good, I want to take this moment to 1) state that on behalf of my subculture, you're not [entirely] wrong and 2) the only moment in popular culture that captured the world of difference between being a hillbilly [*raises hand slowly*] and a redneck properly was the final reel, final episode, denouement extraordinarie of the first season of Ozark.That show nailed my people flatter than hammered shit.
I still have dreams that Ruth Langmore and myself are walking around in the Catskill Mountains wearing nothing but flowers. She's got the accent fucking perfect and is whiter than ME. [pale women are my kryptonite.]
Hillbilly is complimentary. Redneck [from outsiders] can be construed as an absolute declaration of war.
Reread this three times. You have a hardwired sense of story in your work and it shows. The details you give allow the reader to populate the images with their own mind: bar sign, neon, no color, could be anything; Ford F-350, man works for a living, farm muscle, construction, hauling, low SES blue collar [but with enough ends to purchase a higher tier work truck]. I don't speak Spanish, which is dismissive; the line about the boy being her brother, friendly flirty probe that was kindly rebuffed "you're slick" or put on the shelf for later use, she sees it for what it is, and knows the rules of the game and lets him know that she knows them, etc. your prose doesn't get overlost in details [*raises hand slowly, embarrassed*] or purple prose. In short, you have a damn fine tether on the art of telling a STORY, and the talent to pull it off. That's the biggest asset a writer can have. Reader engagement. There's lots more, but I had to stop to let you know that I really enjoyed this. Looking quite forward to what comes next.
In response to the first comment, I’ll always be an outsider to Merican culture in general, since what I got access to is what filters through the colonial prism. I can relate with have nots, those I feel like are the same everywhere, even when not. Being in the mainland has informed me more about the “subject” by osmosis.
And altho I recognize I may come off as white passing Im also cognizant that for white people Im not one of them. Made very clear to me when I was in Michigan and a white woman asked me, Youre not one of us, right? I knew what she meant, but I wanted to make her uncomfortable (stupid me cos that went over her head), so I responded with a What do you mean? Im human, I breathe…
She laughed and said, No, white, youre not white, right?
I thought the Brunei wedding was fascinating because of the history of the country and the whole incest thing being usually seen as a marker to the redneck persona.
In terms of the craft of writing (storytelling) Im just obsessed with it. Every other line (at the least if not all) should be working double (in my opinion which means shit). Some details evoke others and there’s also a world hiding in the unsaid which is also why I feel space is so important (learned that one the hard way).
I will say I dont see what you mean by the prose lost in details when referring to yours (if Im understanding correctly), in my opinion the only thing I lose is myself when reading it. It’s liquid solid. You have a strong voice so I really appreciate the comment, it’s a huge compliment. Thank you.
You’re both excellent writers. My opinions on Pablo are well known, @lchristopher less so. But the point here is I’m not easy to impress out the gate. (Any good editor shouldn’t be. A lot are easier to impress than others. I’m over here at the end of the bell curve with @Alice M. and @will christopher baer, both amazing authors and editors in their own rights. But hard. We’re all really bloody hard. Alice being maybe the only editor I know harder than me or Chris. Alice gives you a compliment, you run away with it.)
Soon we’ll have earned back enough stripes to run the Abattoir. Actually. One second, I can just throw that up on Television Sky, link it to a form that pops to a spreadsheet and call it the workshop EVERYONE IS TERRIFIED OF TAKING. Fucking turnips.
I wrote a reply to this that segued into the time i believed it sensible to drive from Texas to Mexico City in the middle of a civil war between the Zetas and the Mexican Army with a luxury automobile that did not belong to me and a beautiful Mexi girlfriend from El Paso [ever seen cormacs the Counselor? accurate.] It went about as well as you might expect. There was treatise about race in there and it all made sense but I ended up keeping it all for my story. So thank you for getting the story out of me and I'm sorry for hijacking your comment away for my own devices. Godspeed, sir.
This hit hard. Nothing’s really said explicitly here, but the fact that all the imagery is so creative makes the whole thing seem even creepier and more unsettling. I don’t want to throw around words like “disturbing,” but it really is, and beautifully so
The horror is that it never announces itself. Just keeps talking, smiling, asking another question. Brilliant how it never breaks tone, even as it breaks form. You make it look easy.
I love prose that draws you into its atmosphere through attention to detail and without being overloaded with unnecessary metaphors. Deep yet dry, and still compelling enough that you want to keep reading to the end. You achieved all of that. Thank you.
immersive. great movement and the dialogue sings. dope stuff
Thanks for looking out!
Her voice softened pink. The spiders. The way you describe emotion and experience is so fresh, understated, accurate. Makes us pay attention, feel and see.
Thanks for reading so closely. I appreciate it.
Rochelle grew on me. She may do a comeback. The spiders need to pay.
I’d be a fool to not read closely
Squish em 👀
Damn bud. This fucking hit. Goddamn. Shit. All of the subtle hints you drop for the ending were masterful. Jesus Christ. Well done!
Thanks, bro. Im thinking on expanding this. Bringing back Rochelle, Joe, etc.
Putting together the small things Ive picked up, see how they work together.
Naturally I want Rochelle’s revenge, but I’m not gonna tell you how to write your story.
Are we meant to infer that Joe has synesthesia with teal or pink tones? Love it as a descriptor even if not.
No. Those are strictly part of the narration, outside from the fractured POV that oscillates from close third to “camera” to second to first and back to “camera” again and then omniscient.
Happy they worked, tho.
The spider made my skin crawl. Love the flow and pacing of this
Thanks for lookin out!
The Spiders may come back, but in their true form
as long as they stay out of my eyes they can do whatever the fuck they want
First of all, wow. I haven’t read all of your stories but I think this has to be the darkest, by far. It’s not overly explicit but unless I misunderstood, your touching themes of pedophilia, sex trafficking, SA, incest, etc.
This feels like a Cohen brothers and Tarantino love child. Very fresh as someone already commented.
I will say… that r*pe scene is devastating and then the ending is more despair. I guess not every story can get a happy ending.
I appreciate the close reading.
The ending helps put everything before it in question, imo. But yes, it’s quite bleak, just real life is at times or all the time. Even happy endings are tragic in nature, their finitude felt from the start of the first sentence.
Thanks for reading!
Fuck so disturbing 😱🙌
The thing it’s inspired in isnt contained to the US. Matter of fact a lot of the talent comes from Canada. And just so you dont start panicking, you can relax, the government was involved. Thats how they were able to continue.
Great 😅
Damn. This was heavy. Bringing a dirty light to a dark place. Brilliantly done Pablo.
Thanks for reading, Roberta. It’s an ugly subject but it needs attention.
I agree. I have helped women, and even men out of situations such as this
As an example of FCWT [that's First Class White Trash, to the uninitiated] made good, I want to take this moment to 1) state that on behalf of my subculture, you're not [entirely] wrong and 2) the only moment in popular culture that captured the world of difference between being a hillbilly [*raises hand slowly*] and a redneck properly was the final reel, final episode, denouement extraordinarie of the first season of Ozark.That show nailed my people flatter than hammered shit.
I still have dreams that Ruth Langmore and myself are walking around in the Catskill Mountains wearing nothing but flowers. She's got the accent fucking perfect and is whiter than ME. [pale women are my kryptonite.]
Hillbilly is complimentary. Redneck [from outsiders] can be construed as an absolute declaration of war.
I'm a redneck... Fuckin' hillbilly.
*circle each other mining the air for an opening whilst The Lonely Shepherd by Zamfir plays on*
Reread this three times. You have a hardwired sense of story in your work and it shows. The details you give allow the reader to populate the images with their own mind: bar sign, neon, no color, could be anything; Ford F-350, man works for a living, farm muscle, construction, hauling, low SES blue collar [but with enough ends to purchase a higher tier work truck]. I don't speak Spanish, which is dismissive; the line about the boy being her brother, friendly flirty probe that was kindly rebuffed "you're slick" or put on the shelf for later use, she sees it for what it is, and knows the rules of the game and lets him know that she knows them, etc. your prose doesn't get overlost in details [*raises hand slowly, embarrassed*] or purple prose. In short, you have a damn fine tether on the art of telling a STORY, and the talent to pull it off. That's the biggest asset a writer can have. Reader engagement. There's lots more, but I had to stop to let you know that I really enjoyed this. Looking quite forward to what comes next.
All good things.
In response to the first comment, I’ll always be an outsider to Merican culture in general, since what I got access to is what filters through the colonial prism. I can relate with have nots, those I feel like are the same everywhere, even when not. Being in the mainland has informed me more about the “subject” by osmosis.
And altho I recognize I may come off as white passing Im also cognizant that for white people Im not one of them. Made very clear to me when I was in Michigan and a white woman asked me, Youre not one of us, right? I knew what she meant, but I wanted to make her uncomfortable (stupid me cos that went over her head), so I responded with a What do you mean? Im human, I breathe…
She laughed and said, No, white, youre not white, right?
I thought the Brunei wedding was fascinating because of the history of the country and the whole incest thing being usually seen as a marker to the redneck persona.
In terms of the craft of writing (storytelling) Im just obsessed with it. Every other line (at the least if not all) should be working double (in my opinion which means shit). Some details evoke others and there’s also a world hiding in the unsaid which is also why I feel space is so important (learned that one the hard way).
I will say I dont see what you mean by the prose lost in details when referring to yours (if Im understanding correctly), in my opinion the only thing I lose is myself when reading it. It’s liquid solid. You have a strong voice so I really appreciate the comment, it’s a huge compliment. Thank you.
You’re both excellent writers. My opinions on Pablo are well known, @lchristopher less so. But the point here is I’m not easy to impress out the gate. (Any good editor shouldn’t be. A lot are easier to impress than others. I’m over here at the end of the bell curve with @Alice M. and @will christopher baer, both amazing authors and editors in their own rights. But hard. We’re all really bloody hard. Alice being maybe the only editor I know harder than me or Chris. Alice gives you a compliment, you run away with it.)
ty bb. I try. I’m only as ruthless as I’m allowed to be but it can get pretty brutal if someone lets me
Soon we’ll have earned back enough stripes to run the Abattoir. Actually. One second, I can just throw that up on Television Sky, link it to a form that pops to a spreadsheet and call it the workshop EVERYONE IS TERRIFIED OF TAKING. Fucking turnips.
Wait, there are opinions about me? This can't be good.
Also, my mother calls me Chris. It's Christopher, please.
My apologies for acknowledging your existence and praising you Christopher.
Don’t let it happen again. I’m onto you, Ottoman. And the chair you rode in on.
Excuse me sir, I rode in under a horse.
I wrote a reply to this that segued into the time i believed it sensible to drive from Texas to Mexico City in the middle of a civil war between the Zetas and the Mexican Army with a luxury automobile that did not belong to me and a beautiful Mexi girlfriend from El Paso [ever seen cormacs the Counselor? accurate.] It went about as well as you might expect. There was treatise about race in there and it all made sense but I ended up keeping it all for my story. So thank you for getting the story out of me and I'm sorry for hijacking your comment away for my own devices. Godspeed, sir.
This hit hard. Nothing’s really said explicitly here, but the fact that all the imagery is so creative makes the whole thing seem even creepier and more unsettling. I don’t want to throw around words like “disturbing,” but it really is, and beautifully so
If there’s something this earned it’s that adjective. Thanks for commenting, this made my day.
Excellent
Thanks for checking it out, Keith.
I've been trying to read this story since it dropped, out-fucking-standing.
The horror is that it never announces itself. Just keeps talking, smiling, asking another question. Brilliant how it never breaks tone, even as it breaks form. You make it look easy.
That’s the horror of everyday, disguised in plain sight. All a matter of vantage.
I appreciate the close reading. I hope you stick around for more.
I love prose that draws you into its atmosphere through attention to detail and without being overloaded with unnecessary metaphors. Deep yet dry, and still compelling enough that you want to keep reading to the end. You achieved all of that. Thank you.
Thank you, for reading, Lidia!
Glad the story immersed you in it. I appreciate you stopping by, hope you stick around