A tragedy if I ever read one. Definitely warrants a re read as I felt I lost myself near the end but it all clicked once I got to the very end. Still, amazing writing and a great unique voice you have. Definitely looking forward to more.
I did try something different with the style. It took longer to ‘compose’ but I found it fun to do. Im curious—was it the pacing or the structure that made you feel lost towards the end?
Glad to hear it clicked for you! The shift is deliberate, I do have do refine it a bit. I appreciate the feedback.
I guess the part that got me was right after he threw up and mom walked out. Upon reflecting I feel like you were just explaining exactly what he was going through and I was caught off guard just like the boy was. But you paired it with the images of the killings and I thought there was some revelation in the text but I be tripping. Like I said, the ending ties everything together which explains the earlier text and what he experienced. So I would say it’s still super effective.
This feels like a slow descent into madness, but not in an exaggerated way—more like the kind that creeps up quietly and festers. The way you portray disconnection, both from the world and from oneself, is disturbingly real. The mother’s indifference (which was particularly triggering for me—I had to pause for a while before diving in again), the numbing repetition of media, and the protagonist’s dark curiosity all feed into this unsettling sense of inevitability. Brilliantly done.
I liked the looseness. Just think it needs a rivet of clarity here and there and maybe some italics to set some different things off but it’s fucking cirrus clouds above most of the stuff I read on here. And you had me opening with Cro-Mags, though in 86 I skipped their show because Bad Brains was the night before and I could only get one weekend night off work
Back then the tiebreaker was my friend Laura Lee, the original Negative Approach tour van driver promising she’d introduce me to the band. She did, then they went out and put on the second best show of my life. Only The Clash in 82 has it beat.
I fucking wish! When I was 13 my friends and me formed what we said it was a hardcore punk band Our highlight was getting invited to play at Puerto Rico’s Punk fest 2-3 years later. This was back in 2005/2006. That’s how I started to share my writing, through songs.
Anyway, that’s dope. Those were some of the bands I looked up to. I did prefer Crass to The Clash , still, wish I could’ve been there.
Saw the classic lineup in 82 then saw that thing Strummer put together after Mick left. Then I saw Joe solo on the Earthquake Weather tour. What was your band’s name?
Klase Kallegera. I tattooed the initials on my calf with a sowing needle and uniform tint in Paris Island, SC. Almost got discharged for it. Still got discharged, just not for that.
Good stuff here. Great example of less equaling more. The whole piece read fast and it just kept accelerating, all the way down the screen. More than most of what I read on here, I suspect this read faster on a screen than it would have on the physical page. That’s a skill set, man. Esp now. Looking forward to reading more!
Outstanding rewrite. Absolutely had that scroll friendly feel. And esp with the links, songs. You made it so easy to read down the page. But it wasn’t overly succinct. Style also fit the story very well.
A tragedy if I ever read one. Definitely warrants a re read as I felt I lost myself near the end but it all clicked once I got to the very end. Still, amazing writing and a great unique voice you have. Definitely looking forward to more.
I did try something different with the style. It took longer to ‘compose’ but I found it fun to do. Im curious—was it the pacing or the structure that made you feel lost towards the end?
Glad to hear it clicked for you! The shift is deliberate, I do have do refine it a bit. I appreciate the feedback.
I guess the part that got me was right after he threw up and mom walked out. Upon reflecting I feel like you were just explaining exactly what he was going through and I was caught off guard just like the boy was. But you paired it with the images of the killings and I thought there was some revelation in the text but I be tripping. Like I said, the ending ties everything together which explains the earlier text and what he experienced. So I would say it’s still super effective.
This feels like a slow descent into madness, but not in an exaggerated way—more like the kind that creeps up quietly and festers. The way you portray disconnection, both from the world and from oneself, is disturbingly real. The mother’s indifference (which was particularly triggering for me—I had to pause for a while before diving in again), the numbing repetition of media, and the protagonist’s dark curiosity all feed into this unsettling sense of inevitability. Brilliantly done.
This is fantastic. Not perfect, but outstanding.
Thanks for giving it a read. Appreciate it!
I think I know how to make it tighter. I feel I didn’t do the story justice.
I liked the looseness. Just think it needs a rivet of clarity here and there and maybe some italics to set some different things off but it’s fucking cirrus clouds above most of the stuff I read on here. And you had me opening with Cro-Mags, though in 86 I skipped their show because Bad Brains was the night before and I could only get one weekend night off work
I’d miss ‘em too for Bad Brains!!
Thanks for the feedback. Idk why I didn’t do the internal thoughts in italics, it’s what I usually do.
Back then the tiebreaker was my friend Laura Lee, the original Negative Approach tour van driver promising she’d introduce me to the band. She did, then they went out and put on the second best show of my life. Only The Clash in 82 has it beat.
You saw The Clash live??
I fucking wish! When I was 13 my friends and me formed what we said it was a hardcore punk band Our highlight was getting invited to play at Puerto Rico’s Punk fest 2-3 years later. This was back in 2005/2006. That’s how I started to share my writing, through songs.
Anyway, that’s dope. Those were some of the bands I looked up to. I did prefer Crass to The Clash , still, wish I could’ve been there.
Saw the classic lineup in 82 then saw that thing Strummer put together after Mick left. Then I saw Joe solo on the Earthquake Weather tour. What was your band’s name?
Klase Kallegera. I tattooed the initials on my calf with a sowing needle and uniform tint in Paris Island, SC. Almost got discharged for it. Still got discharged, just not for that.
Good stuff here. Great example of less equaling more. The whole piece read fast and it just kept accelerating, all the way down the screen. More than most of what I read on here, I suspect this read faster on a screen than it would have on the physical page. That’s a skill set, man. Esp now. Looking forward to reading more!
Thanks for giving it a read, Matt!
This is a rewrite, the first version was much slower but I wanted to give it a scrolling on a feed feel. Glad you enjoyed it!
Outstanding rewrite. Absolutely had that scroll friendly feel. And esp with the links, songs. You made it so easy to read down the page. But it wasn’t overly succinct. Style also fit the story very well.
Chicken and carrots cooked in beer. I fucking love this!
Same!! The style that was being cooked in the story is a fricasé(the Puerto Rican version).
"...some of us are adults..." Yeah, belittle him being an unpaid journalist, why don'tcha?