Had me at the beginning Pablo, nice. That sentence I quoted is ill. Great way of using the whole wind blows season change and impeding doom awaiting us all sort of thing. Very nice 👌🏽 this piece made me want to write. appreciate the inspiration!
You didn’t write a dystopia. You wrote a memory under martial law. The city is collapsing and remembering itself at the same time. That is the trick. The crepes, the succulents, the Audio-Technica, the perfume cutting breath. Those details are ballast. They make the sniper shot feel earned instead of cinematic.
The shifts between North Canal and the apartment show control. You trust the reader to keep up. By the time the humvee flips near Daley Plaza, we are inside a nervous system, not watching a movie.
The headphones still on while chaos detonates says everything. The last breath before the trigger lands because it is physiological, not spectacular.
This is insanely good omg the imagery is brilliant I was so drawn in from the start. “Head turns to a splattered maraschino cherry pie. His body drops like an overripe mango.” omg
😮
Hope that’s good and not a yawn lol
More like ooooooo ahhhhh. I’ll be anxiously awaiting the next one
This had me from the beginning. So much so I forgot to smoke my cig, and it turned to ash.
Damn, Im sorry cos those death-sticks are pricey but also that’s a great compliment and Im happy youre back with us. Thanks for reading ❤️
Don't be sorry. The time it took for the cig to burn to ash gave me a few more moments to shoo away death. As always you're fucking welcome. 💕
your words are like butter
Had me at the beginning Pablo, nice. That sentence I quoted is ill. Great way of using the whole wind blows season change and impeding doom awaiting us all sort of thing. Very nice 👌🏽 this piece made me want to write. appreciate the inspiration!
This is frighteningly alive.
You didn’t write a dystopia. You wrote a memory under martial law. The city is collapsing and remembering itself at the same time. That is the trick. The crepes, the succulents, the Audio-Technica, the perfume cutting breath. Those details are ballast. They make the sniper shot feel earned instead of cinematic.
The shifts between North Canal and the apartment show control. You trust the reader to keep up. By the time the humvee flips near Daley Plaza, we are inside a nervous system, not watching a movie.
The headphones still on while chaos detonates says everything. The last breath before the trigger lands because it is physiological, not spectacular.
Strong work.
Oooo bae-bae — that was good — am I catching this in the middle?!
No this is the start, but tbh I dont think I’ll make it a serial. I want to publish it as a novel
the quiet foreboding here is visceral. excited to see where this goes.
Too fucking good man, I’m not sharing anything from beyond the turn cos it arrives too nicely on its own. Great piece dude
Really pulled in by this. And I loved "sundrowned apartment"
This is the stuff that should be popular. Not WBE’s crap.
Excellent
Thanks for looking out!
This is insanely good omg the imagery is brilliant I was so drawn in from the start. “Head turns to a splattered maraschino cherry pie. His body drops like an overripe mango.” omg
I appreciate you taking the time to read and comment! I would like this to be a novel, so seeing the interest is encouraging.